Until I lost over 60 pounds, I didn't really realize the affect my excess weight had on me, psychologically.
Formerly a person who wouldn't consider setting foot outside the house without make-up, I got to the point where I hardly ever wore it (though I would always wear it in a situation that made me uncomfortable -- wearing make-up gave me a little extra self-confidence). Now, I've come to realize that a lot of the reason I didn't wear make-up was a "why bother" attitude about my appearance. Don't get me wrong; I'm still not going to put on make-up just to go the Wal-mart, but I find myself wearing make-up more often as I am, again, starting to take more pride in my appearance.
I used to have a couple of pairs of pants and one or two good shirts that I'd wear out of the house. My around-the-house wardrobe consisted of a few shabby outfits -- that I even occasionally wore out of the house. Again, the whole "why bother" thing. Now, I've rediscovered the joy of shopping for clothes. It's fun to shop when normal sizes actually fit and the things that looked cute on the hanger look cute on me, too. What I really look forward to are years of shopping with my daughters. Now that it's fun to shop for clothes again, I can enjoy shopping trips with my girls, both of whom love clothes shopping.
All those jokes that I made about my weight and my habit of describing myself to people as "the fat chick" weren't really an example of me being okay with my weight. They were defense mechanisms. If I joked about it and pointed out the obvious, I headed off what people might be saying about me behind my back or thinking about me in their minds.
I was beating myself up and building walls to beat other people to the punch. Are you hiding behind self-made walls and defense mechanisms, rather than face the fact that you don't feel good about what you've let yourself become? You are worth the time and effort it takes to change. You have, within yourself, the strength and the power to change. I know because I didn't think I was capable of change, but I've found it was there all along.
I think of all those Biggest Loser contestants who have inspired me over the years. They didn't think they were strong enough to change either, but they were. I remember hearing so many of them saying that those obese viewers who were watching could lose their weight, too. For so long, I really didn't think I could.
I didn't realize that I had it in me, all along, to change my life and my health. I only wish I'd realized it sooner so that I didn't waste so many years being so miserable. If you're reading this and you're still feeling ashamed and miserable, just start. Just take that first step toward better health. Then, tomorrow, take the next one, and the next. Believe me when I say, it is so worth the effort. You will feel so much better than you ever dreamed possible.
Just take that first step and determine that you will keep going, no matter what. Do or do not; there is no try.