Thursday, December 17, 2009

On Self-Esteem

It was either Bob or Jillian, I can't remember now, though it sounds like Bob (and I could probably ask Megan who would know, having watched every episode of Biggest Loser at least a dozen times thanks to the On-Demand channel.  And, no, I'm not exaggerating at all.), but one of them said one week during a weigh in to one of the contestants, "If you don't think you're worth the end result, you'll never do it."

Wow.  I remember turning to Brian and telling him that that statement was something to chew on.  Well, a few weeks ago, I had a talk with myself (not aloud this time).  I was thinking about all the things that may have contributed to my being overweight and I finally told myself, very firmly, that I am worth taking care of myself.  Things that other people said or did that my have influenced my self-image were just said or done by people who were going through their own issues, just like I do, and those things have nothing to do with my worth (and were probably never intended to by the people in question).

That may seem simple, but it was really a profound revelation to me.  I have let my perception of myself be shaped by people who are human, just like me.  People who have their own issues, just like me.  People who sometimes say or do things that they really don't mean or that are taken out of context.  Just like me. 

When I realized that, I started to notice a change in my attitude.  I started noticing that I was friendlier to people when out and about.  I noticed that I was quicker to joke with or speak to a stranger in line at the store.  I noticed that I was becoming more cheerful and outgoing.

You may remember that I mentioned hating going to the mall.  Well, Tuesday night, I had to go to the mall to do some Christmas shopping.  I could tell a difference in my attitude about going as soon as I walked in the door.  As I was walking in, I thought to myself, "I am worth a trip to the mall.  I have just as much right to be here as anyone else and I bet no one is looking at me thinking about how fat I am."

I found myself speaking to the clerks in the stores, smiling at them and not feeling awkward.  I even wound up in a conversation (about Twilight, what else?) with three store employees at once place.  It was a trendy place with lots of young people.  They were really friendly and I didn't feel awkward at all.  And, you know what?  Not one of them ever said, "Hey, fat lady, what are you doing at the mall?"  ;-) 

One guy was even trying to talk me into buying a Twilight shirt so he wouldn't have to re-shelve it (offered me $5 off), but I smiled and told him, "Nope.  I'm not buying a Twilight shirt until I can buy a medium."

You know, I really think this time I AM going to lose the weight and keep it off.  I just feel different.  My whole outlook is different.  I feel excited and confident.  I feel like I'm worth the effort and the end result...and I can't wait to get there!

6 comments:

  1. Kris thanks for this post, I needed it. Looking at it on the outside it seems totally crazy to judge myself off of other peoples attitudes and commments and perceptions BUT that is exactly what we do sometimes.
    You know what I am worth it too!
    =-}

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  2. You are worth it! And - Taking the time to write about it, for us, for you, during a busy season of the year, is priceless to me. The extra cookie, passing on the walk, I hear your voice - see your banner, and say No. Not this year. You are my Gillian. I am responsible. But you are my encouragement. :)

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  3. This is an amazing post Kris. I am in tears. We are worth it aren't we? SO hard to come to terms with that sometimes, but you are right.

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  4. Y'all are awesome, you know that? I hope you realize how much your support and encouragement means to me. Share some of that support and encouragement with yourselves. Don't listen to negative self-talk. We are, each of us, worth the effort to care for ourselves and we are worthy of self-respect and the respect of others.

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  5. When I was training for my marathon my first long runs were filled with angst! I did not look like a runner, was slow and felt like a duffer. Then I read about positive self talk....and started to run with this phrase...I strong amazing, beautiful and hip. It was not long...like by the end of the run that I was starting to believe that! I started to get thumbs up from people...and felt like I had a right to be running on the bike path.

    I still need that embrace that phrase as I am on this weight loss journey.

    Thanks Kris for a great post.

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  6. I too tend to look at myself as how I think other people see me. I often have to take my thoughts captive and find something positive to think on. Your posts are amazing Kris and I am blessed to read them.

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